Listening

Recently, there have been some very personal things (and some not so personal things) that I've been trying to deal with. The sad part is, though, is that I don't feel like I'm dealing with them very well. I'm almost 83% sure that what is keeping me from being able to deal with these problems is that I've not been about to really voice them to someone else and work them out that way.

I'm an odd kind of open person. If you ask me things directly, I will always, always, always tell you the truth. I figure that if you're asking the question that you either already know the answer and just want a conformation, or that you have mentally prepared yourself for what ever answer that I may give. Either way, you asked and therefore you deserve the truth.

But see, internal things, things that deal only with me. Or maybe it will deal with me and a small group of others. The amount of people, really doesn't matter. What matters is how I deal with a situations, my emotions, how I show them or how I feel like I can show them. All of these, are things that I keep largely to myself. You might hear me complain about something once or twice, or you might get a over view of the situations, but the internal parts of the situation, the guts, are kept out of site.

Example:

- "That guy was such a douche"

- I'd probably leave out the part where I went back to my room and cried for a few hours.

I deal with things by myself first. I don't give away raw emotions without believing that the person receiving them would understand and would know how to deal with them. The few people that I talk emotional stuff over with, tend to get filtered emotions.

The sad part is, is that I don't really trust anyone enough to really spill everything out. I've learned through many ventures, that people will listen to the start of it. From there, they will either talk about themselves and try to connect (some times they can, which is great and helpful. Other wise, not so much) or they try to make light of the situation or they just change subject all together.

None of those things are really helpful though, when what you really need is just to pour it all out. To cry and use every tissue, paper towel, and roll of toilet paper available. To talk and babble, and maybe not make as much sense as you'd like to, but you're saying what comes to mind first and all that's in your mind is pain and hurt.

What you really need is a witness to this meltdown, to this pain and sorrow. You need someone who can testify later that, no, you weren't alright and probably still aren't. But you've had your breakdown. They are able to help you look over all the cards that you've laid out, all 52 plus the two jokers and probably a few of the instructional cards that come in a deck.

What I need is someone willing to be strong enough to let be breakdown in front of them. To be able to just let all my pieces fall to the ground and allow me to wallow in them. Because there's this back up. A whole fucking years worth of backup, actually.

All these internal guts things are leaking through when I least expect it. I'm so afraid that I'll snap and just.... lose it in the line at walmart. Just... sit down right there and cry and howl. I'm.... afraid for myself of breaking.

To some extent, I'm afraid that I might need to start counseling again. The only problem I see there, is that I don't know if I have the time I'd need to build a relationship with a counselor to feel comfortable enough to let all this out.

I just... need a witness.

I'm A Bad Girl

I'm such a bad, bad kid. Just a few minutes ago, less than an hour ago, I ate a late lunch. I waltzed up to the counter and ordered my veggie burger and mozzarella sticks (cause I was really hungry). I hadn't ate since a bagel this morning. I had ate a cracker snack, and a cookie snack, but I those snacks didn't really fill me up. I was ready to chow down.

When Adam and I sat down, I arranged myself at the our table like always. I have to eat the main part of my meal first. This time, I had to get my burger first. While Adam kept talking, I started to chew.

Something was off.

I was not eating a veggie burger, my friends. In fact I was eating a real life cow.

THE HORROR!!!!

Not missing a beat, I took another bite. Not once telling Adam what was going on. This was going to be my little secret. I had purchased the fucking thing, I was going eat it dammit.

I'm such a bad, naughty girl.

You don't understand. It's been 5 years since I've had meat. It's been even longer since I've had red meat. I was... thrilled. I was disgusted and repulsed at myself. I had a secret. I adore secrets.

The sad thing about all of this, is that it tasted awful. I ate all of it of course, cause you don't waste food. But eating it... it tasted burnt. It tasted like dead flesh. Why did I ever want to eat this stuff again? I had been thinking about trying a chicken something for a while now, but after that burger, I don't think I will...

I know people that try to be vegetarians. They do really well for a while and then one day they cave and eat meat. They think "OH NO! I've messed up!" and give the whole thing up. They stop trying because they messed up that one time. Messing up doesn't mean that you have to throw the whole thing out of the window, it just means that you messed up that day.

Sadly, I'm sure that this burger will upset my stomach. I can already feel my tummy getting all... rumblely.

No more meat for me, thanks.

Ghost from the Past

I saw Brandon today. There are a few of you who know exactly who I'm talking about. One in particular who probably hopes that I threw a right hook and knocked out 3 teeth and left 4 more dangling. Honestly though, I've yet to hate him. There was a week in the beginning where I was frustrated, but that was it. I've never been one to become angry. It's a waste of my time.

So I saw him.

After all this time, of wondering about how he's doing. After all this time, of hoping that things work out with him and his wife (cause God knows that I don't have the strength to be in his life full time again). All this time of small reminders popping up out of no where of him, leaving me to silently tuck them back into the folds and move on. All this time... and he was right there at the bonsai booth.

When Caleb decided to go fishing this weekend, I had thought that I wouldn't have anyone to go to the Spoon Bread Festival with me. Luckily, I still have my best guy friend Adam to drag along to places. The whole time, Adam had talked about how he wanted to look at the bonsai trees if they had them this year. He was excited about them. Before we left he said that I liked tiny/miniature things because they made him feel like a giant. I thought it was pretty funny.

So we make a circle around all the booths and come upon the bonsais. Small, twisty trees that are, admittedly, pretty neat. Standing next to them, was of course Brandon. I heard his voice before I actually saw him. Heard his laugh. If you've ever met Brandon, you know that his laugh is probably the best thing ever. Once you hear it, your day is 100x better. It's not an option, it's a universal rule.

There was hugging, a small bit of catching up. He pointed out his mom and his sister to me. We smiled. There was a small bit of "I went and saw Eat Pray Love" "Me too!" And then, we went our separate ways.

Of course there was this gigantic pit of "I WAS ONCE IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!" inside of me. I remember once that there was this connection between us. Today, seeing him, it wasn't there. I'm kind of glad that it wasn't. If it had been, it would have made the whole thing harder. Walking away would have been killer. To know that in my heart, there was still this connection there with him, separating wouldn't have been on my top priorities. So, yeah, I didn't think I would be glad (back in the day of crying about it nightly) but now I am. Now it works.

I'm glad that I got to see him. It's always disheartening to have someone leave your life that once knew you so well. I most always try to stay friends with my ex's, whenever possible. I don't know if there will ever be a friendship with Brandon. Mainly because of the circumstances that surrounded everything. From us being together, to us not being together. It's unlikely that it'll happen, and at this point, I'm okay with that.

Emotional Cycle - Motherhood

I feel like my body goes through this cycle, and it does so without my permission. No, not a monthly cycle that most all women go through, but an emotional one. A cycle where my goals and ambitions change, where what I want in life is possibly on a different train car than the one I'm in at the moment.

I've found myself going from wanting to open a bakery downtown, wanting to get married, to just a few seconds ago looking at baby blogs and longing for a child of my own. This is a predicable cycle for me. I often daydream about a career that I could possibly start and live off of in a well off fashion. This is always followed by the desire to stare at David's Bridal's website and pick out two or three dresses that I would love to get married in. At this point, after wanting to fall in love and get married for so long, I could have the bare basics of a wedding planned in under a week.

The next part of the cycle is the heart breaking one. The one where I crave motherhood with such an intensity that the thought of staying on my carefully plotted schedule of waiting to get married, have a career, a job, and a life all to myself feels like a waste of time. What am I doing sitting here, writing a blog and avoiding studying? Shouldn't I be off preparing to become a mother?

I know this is crazy sounding. In a week or so, I'll be glad that I'm not pregnant and able to live my life without worrying about if what I'm eating is healthy for the child. I'll be glad that I can still go out with my friends, smoke hookah at Prince's, drink at Silas's and generally still be able to be a wild and crazy teen. I know all of this, yet, I'm still reading through Dear Baby and Kayla's blog with this longing and yearning to be a mother.

Back in the spring, I was in the same spot. My cousin Melissa had given birth to a beautiful baby boy, and as I stood in the hospital looking at this amazing child, my heart told me that I was meant to be a mother. It's not the first time that my heart has told me such, but I believe that it was the first time I actually listened. I really do believe that I'm meant to be a mother.

There are some many of my close friends that scoff at the thought of having children. They see kids as snot nosed brats that do nothing but scream and get in the way of stuff. When I try to express this want, this need to be a mother, they don't understand. I have literally had to sit through hours of being told that I should never have kids, because they would just ruin my life. You know, great, kids aren't for them. But for me, everything is really secondary to finding a wonderful partner in life and to experience being a mother.

I look forward to buying onesies, blankets, bassinets, dippers, cute little hats that will never fit or stay on but sit around the room in hopes that someday they will, shoes that will never really be worn. All of this along with the feeling of a child inside of me, holding a baby for the first time, waking up at all hours of the night just to check on the child. I want it. I look forward to it.

And in a week or so, I'll be glad that I'm not pregnant.

It's all part of my emotional cycle.

Wedding

From a photo shoot I did a few weekends ago. It was a very lovely wedding and the Bride and Groom we just wonderful.

The Dilemma With Facebook

It's not much of a secret these days that Facebook is a popular site. I myself spend many a bored moments on it in an attempt to waste time. It works too, the website is probably the best way to make the minutes pass by. With all the applications, games and pages to view, it's easy to get swept into the maze that is Facebook.

One shouldn't forget, however, that the most integral part of Facebook was the soul purpose that it was created, to keep in touch with friends both old and new. But with such a large user base these days, I've found myself faced with a problem. There are many people on the site (nice people too, I might add) that request my friendship.

For one reason or another, I don't particularity want to add any of these people. That odd kid from my politics class? Nope. My mother's best friend? Um... No. All the 13 year olds that have my mother as a teacher and think that it would be "cool" to add me? N.O. My mother in general isn't even on my friends list guys. I mean... really.

As public as Facebook is, I still feel like I should have a wall between me and most of the rest of the world. I try to not add family, but I do have my exceptions, like my dad's side of the family that lives in Kansas, Texas, and various other places. I never see them, nor do they have much opportunity to see me. So yeah, I have them added. Other than a "Did your mom try to kill you?!" comment from my aunt when I got a new piercing, they don't tend to cause me too many problems. Then again, mom always claims that they're a wild bunch anyway.

And not to get me wrong when I start this paragraph, but I love my church family. They worry about me and show concern when others don't get it. They're wonderful people with good intention. That being said, I'm not much of a.... good kid. I do lots of wild unpredictable things that they don't.... understand. I try to only have my youth group friends added, they seem to be the most understanding. Which, honestly, isn't surprising since they too are growing up in the world that I am (though I'm pretty sure they're making a harder attempt at not drinking and having sex and such.)

Of course, I have a separation between what goes on the internet and what happens in my life. I mean, I don't doubt I'd be seen in a much different light if I posted my every step online (even though April and others may get micro updates when stuff happens). I do sensor myself as well, because I honestly don't know who's looking and who will say what to who-else. So I keep my "fucks" and "oh shits" to moments where I feel that the right audience may receive them, i.e. not on Facebook.

But honestly, Facebook makes me feel odd. While staying connected to people I knew in high school is amazing, they're not ... my closest friends anymore. The stuff I tell them now, isn't going to be the same stuff that I used to tell them sitting in the hall ways of my old high school. I feel odd talking to people that once called me often and they say something along the lines of "I miss you! We never talk!" And I know that the loss of communication is two sided, but they're automatically made me feel like the guilty party.

I'm all about moving on, becoming a new person and discovering myself. I also feel like there are tons of people on my friends list that don't see it that way. They miss high school. It doesn't matter why, either they feel like it was a simpler time and their glory days or they haven't found anything to really like about life afterwards. They simply don't want to move on and by trying to keep in communication and "reminding me" of how much fun we used to have in high school, they're trying (without realizing it) to hold me back as well.

There are days when I want to delete most of my 400+ friends on Facebook and just keep the ones that are in the here and now. The ones that I love and cherish the friendship and connection that I have with them. Maybe I'm too nice of a person to delete people from my past. Maybe I fear that I'll hurt their feelings if they ever realized that I had removed them. Maybe in a few years, Facebook wont be the "IT" site, and I'll be even more selective with who I let in.

Getting Ready To Move Again.

Right now, as I lay in bed and type this, I'm sick. I've developed a nasty little rash/welts all over my poor little body. The most likely cause is that it's a reaction to taking NuvaRing. Right now, it looks like I'm just gonna have to hope that no babies pop out of no where at me.

While this summer has been super fun, I can't actually remember most of it. It's not because I was in a drug induced haze the whole time, it was just... nothing special. I had planned on highlighting the best parts of the summer in this post, but have sadly realized that I can't remember enough to do so.

What I do remember is:
- Jessica and I going on a date to eat mexican in Manchester.

- April's birthday (in which she saw my boobs).

- Forth of July at the Pinnacles.

- Going with my mother and her college friends to Tennessee.

Those were all super fun times, and I'm glad that those that share those times with me were able to do so.

In exactly a week, I'll be moving back to Richmond. I'm SUPER excited about this. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I hate living in Jackson County. It's too small, too much gossip, and not enough stuff to do.

I cannot wait to start classes. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm kind of a nerd. Learning is probably one of my favorite things ever. I've been known to stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning just watching TED videos. The very thought of having textbooks gets me all a flutter, I mean, it's not like I pay for mine.

Hopefully, this will be the last time I actually live in J.Co. I have no intention of moving back home again. Either in December, or at the end of spring semester, I will move into an apartment. I will decorate it, and clean it, and it will be filled with a love that will melt the hearts of many. Because that's what kind of home I want. That and the ability to walk around naked.

Sound-off 7-31-10

Today, I have a few things to talk about. Things that have bothered be in the past, and today have finally retched a boiling point. None of this is directed at my lovely readers (a whole...two?).

First - Over Sharing.

Oh, I haven't talked to you for a few years. A chance to catch up with people that you were acquaintances in high school is a hard one to pass up. I miss the people that I once saw everyday. Not just those that I was particularity close to, but those that were friends of friends. Those that sat with me at lunch, but always at the other end of the table. But still, they were part of that experience, and I miss them all the same.

There is a point, upon catching up with someone, that you can over share. I don't mind you talking about the 9 month baby boy that you have. I love babies! I don't mind hearing about your new tongue piercing, I'm a proud supporter of piercings. Oh... um.... you're thinking about getting your lady part pierced? Um.... good for you?

How the hell are you SUPPOSED to respond to that? From someone that you were never close to before, nor have you talked to in over a year, maybe even two?

Though... I often feel like perfect strangers over share with me. I must have a nurturing face and a "tell me your problems" personality.

Second - That one family member....

My (extended) family does certain things together. We celebrate births (and birthdays every year after that), accomplishments, holidays, etc. together. There is ALWAYS a reason for my family to get together and eat. Always.

We all make the greatest effort to come to each and everyone of these events, no matter who the family member is that if hosting. We all bring food so that the host doesn't have to work so hard. We smile, tell stories, spend time together, talk and just... be a family.

Honestly, a few years ago when I was a sulky young teen, I hated this about my family. These days, I love it. I'm a happier person now, and truly miss these people. So, when one family member NEVER shows up unless it's a major holiday, I get kind of mad.

My dear cousin, who was once one of my closest friends, never comes to anything except Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's not like she lives hours away. No, just in Greyhawk. It's not like she doesn't have a way to get there. My family has been known to go out of there way to pick people up to come to family gatherings. Besides, she has a car.

No, she just doesn't come. She gets all upset when we have family events, cause she says that no one tells her. But they do. She says that she doesn't have the money for gas. But she works every day almost and basically sits around at home when she's not working. (By the way, she lives with her fiancé and his mother. I'm sure they help out with the bills and such, but it's not like she's making house payment.) I suspect that what money she does make, is spent on useless things with no thought of the future.

So now, we really have stopped telling her about things. We've stopped expecting her to show up to stuff, while still complaining about how she doesn't ever come. She's pretty much became the black sheep of the family. But really, I wish she'd just show up every so often.

Tomorrow she's gonna miss our Grandfather being baptized. It's not something that happens everyday. It's not something that will ever be celebrated ever again. And she's gonna miss it. I understand that she works tomorrow night. But... this feels like something that she should have put a little more effort to be part of. Even if she doesn't believe in God.

Letters to the lost

Hello,

Today was the first time that I went hiking without you. I had about as much fun as I always had before you came along, though there were moments where I thought of you. That mountain is riddled with pieces of you. Every bench, several stones and a handful of random places of dirt hold you within them. I wanted to just curl up at the top, in that spot where you once laid down and got someone's old popcorn stuck to the back of your shirt. Those jerks.

It was wonderful receiving word from you this morning. Each word was read exactly how I imagined how it would sound if you were to be sitting beside me, speaking slowly. Two sentences and a link, taken into me over and over. I cried when I read them. I've cried again, every time I went back to see them.

Things I wish I'd put in my returned message:

- I'm so glad that you still think about me.

- I'm sorry that things are the way they are now.

- Hopefully, we'll get to talk again someday.

- There is so much I wish I could tell you.

- Seeing you call me Ms. Adair made me miss you a whole lot.

I hope that there are more messages to come. Truly though, I rather doubt it. I know how you are, I came to know you well enough. You'll put your all into making things work. I do wish you luck, half heartedly at least.

I still wonder about how your interview with the airforce recruiter went. You never did tell me about it and I've had it on my mind since that morning. I doubt you even realize that you never told me about how it went. There was a lot of changes that went on that day.

There finally was a poem written about you, in some sense. It's probably not one you'd like to claim about you. Not an angry poem, but kind of a sad one. But it's there, for eyes to read.

Slowly, I'm letting go. Letting go of your laugh, your smile, how your hands feel pressed against me, of the rhythm of your voice, letting go of it all. I learned a long time ago that hold on to these things wont help me in the long run. But it's only been a week, so it's slow going.

I'd rather you be a friend than a ghost of a memory.

Sorry for the moment of weakness,

Maggie

New Philosophy

Alright guys, new game plan. From now on out, I'm only gonna date guys that are 100% single. I've been told that this will lead to less complicated relationships. I wouldn't know, I'm just going by what I've been told. It's worth a try I guess.

But really, in all honesty, I'm slowly beginning to agree with April in that, an open relationship is just one step away from a broken relationship. Someone's gonna get the raw end of the deal. Most likely more than one person, but someones gonna get it worse of all. I would like to claim that award, two "relationships" running now. Maybe even three if you want to count Adam.

This is what I've observed about open relationships. They work perfectly, if no one involved gives a shit about anyone else involved. See, emotions make this a sticky operation. Someone's gonna care more than someone else, most often about someone else entirely.

The Open Relationship Proposer are often just greedy yet jealous bitches. (So far, I've only ever ran into OR's where the Proposer was the female. I've yet to see a guy that has successfully been a Proposer to a working OR.) The Proposer is looking for something new, but at the same time afraid to let go of the stability (also sex, money, status) of their relationship. To achieve this "something new" they implement the OR.

While the Second Party may meet this new idea with hesitation and doubts, as they should. The Proposer though, will assure the SP that this is not a break up, but a new way to explore their options. Perhaps even suggest that it's away to spice up their relationship. The SP may feel that if they don't go along with the Proposer that the relationship will end. Through pressure, they are broken down by the Proposer and eventually give in to the idea.

Or they may just be excited about getting to sleep with more people. Either way, they agree.

In the beginning, it'll be exactly just as it was. The Proposer, while looking, will most likely not venture out too early on. The SP is comforted by this and convinces themselves that they're alright with the arrangement. They are also given the assurance that they're are free to date others outside the relationship as well. Time passes, and slowly, the Proposer will begin to start to date others.

The length of this next stage is determined mainly by the SP. The Proposer will continue on, not truly realizing the mess that they've created. They become more and more unattached to the SP, while not necessarily more attached to any others. They become comfortable in this zone of delicate stability. They are free to do as they please, but are still given foundation of a relationship. They will stay in this zone as long as possible.

It is up to the SP when this is ended. The SP has at this point convinced themselves that they're okay with this, at least to the point that it doesn't sound like a lie when they talk about it with others. They themselves have decided to venture outside of the established relationship. They are cautious about who they pick, for they don't want to offend the Proposer.

Sadly, it most likely wont matter in the end who they pick, the Proposer will not like it in the least. If more than 3 dates happen between the SP and the Pick, the Proposer will notice and keep an eye on the happenings. Depending on if sex occurs and the time the SP and the Pick spend together, feelings my develop. The Pick will, in many ways, begin to offer what the Proposer has taken away with the OR.

Threatened, the Proposer will start to demand more time with the SP. Shoving them back into a more monogamous relationship, while never actually ending the OR. The SP though, will continue to see the Pick, because a bond has been established there. The Proposer will then decide to make a more dramatic step, demanding exclusiveness within the relationship.

Forced with the demand, the SP will feel rushed and cornered. Typically though, they will chose the Proposer, because of the established history. The Pick, sadly, never has any say in the matter.

Here, a more typical pattern will emerge. The newly Exclusive Relationship will be stressed in the first moments of it's life. Neither will want to upset the other, wanting to "make things work". In time things will become comfortable. The SP will settle in and believe they made the right choice. The Proposer, though, will remember the freedom and become restless again.

This pattern will continue, till the SP either becomes fed up, or the Proposer finds their own Pick, which they feel would make a better ER. Either way, this specific ER is doomed to fail. It's only a matter of time.

Remember kids, an open relationship is just one step away from a broken relationship.

A Lovely Fourth of July

Yesterday started out like a normal Sunday. I was awakened early by my mother and attended a Sunday morning church service. Because of events earlier in the week we hadn't made our normal trip to the groceries, so that was solved after church.

Around 5, Caleb came over for dinner. I'm always happy when he comes down and spends time with me. You should see the smile that I have when he interacts with my family. My Dad really likes him, I've come to believe. In the past, it was never really important to me if my family liked

the guys that I was interested in. Now though, its almost a relief that they do.

After dinner we headed off to Berea to meet Silas, Wendee, and Messina at the Pinnacles. Silas, like always, was late. But, we knew he would be. Caleb and I even made bets on the way there on just how late we thought he'd be. He showed up remarkably close to when he was supposed to be there, but turned around and left because he wanted beef jerky.

Hiking with Silas is a whole lot different than when it's just me and Caleb, or just me and anyone really. He likes to set the pace, and the pace is fast and without stops. It was hard on me to keep up, to the point that I really stopped trying. I think Caleb sensed this and walked me behind me, keeping me company and not letting me be the last in the line.

We got went down the wrong trail at first, for about a mile, till the trail decided to just come to a dead end. I do take the blame here, cause really, I didn't think the end to the other trail at the West Pinnacles would be a good place to watch. While it's one of the highest points, the trees are still a little higher. (I was right once we got up there.)

When we did go to the other trail, we ended up climbing on top of rocks. Let me put this into perspective. Out of the five of us, 3 are afraid of heights. Caleb though, being the guy that he is, still climbed as high as he could. If only because Silas and Messina did. Wendee and I though, climbed to the second highest rock and then had to be helped up by the boys. Neither of us were happy about being up that high.

Now, I had said that the tree tops were higher than the rock, and I wasn't lying. For the most part, our view was obscured by the trees. The fireworks that we did see were the big ones, and we had more of an... aerial view.

Coming off the rock, I almost fell to my death. Silas and Caleb caught me though, so everything's

okay there.

Walking back (in the dark) we all had a flashlight a-piece (Wendee somehow ended up with Caleb's lantern). About 5-10 minutes down the trail, we hear voices, but I couldn't see anyone. A few seconds later, we came upon a couple that had be caught without flashlights and had been trying to hike down by the light of their cell phones. We took them in and promptly forgot that they didn't know us (Well, the guys did. I was aware the whole time). Several paces down the

trail Silas decided to begin asking questions like, "Would you give up

2 inches on your Johnson for a few million dollars?" "Would you rather lose an arm or leg?" and so on and so forth. I don't think the random couple we picked up will ever visit the Paddy Wagon.

The end of the night found us at Sonic. We had had a good night. All were happy and left with plenty of memories.

I still want to see fireworks though.

Good New And Bad News Travel Together

After months of searching for a job, I finally have one. Despite my mother telling me that jobs don't just randomly fall into your lap, this one basically did just that. Yesterday I had gone to the Berea Pinnacles with Alicia. It was a wonderful trip, getting to the top and just relaxing is always worth the 1.1 mile hike up a mountain.

Anyway, back to the lap falling job. I get home relatively late, around 11. I was exhausted, like you wouldn't believe. I come to my computer and see that I have messages from Chrissy asking if I still needed a job. Of course I needed a job. Hiking had almost become more of a hobby, which while good for my body, would eventually drive me insane. Apparently a guy at Opal's in Richmond had up and quit, leaving them in desperate need of a waiter/waitress.

In walks me at 8:30 the next morning asking for an application. They were falling over themselves to give me the job. The owner (Opal, go figure that she's an actual person) said that I should come back at 4 for an interview. Come 4 o'clock I was there, ready for this interview. Opal, though, was no where to be found. But! She had left instructions that I was to start on Monday at 2. Huh. You know... I didn't even fill out an application. That job really did just fall into my lap.

Now, the for-mentioned bad news. On my way to this "interview" I was just driving along, being the good little driver that I am. When the jack ass in front of me decides, "Hey! I think I'm going to turn into this liquor store and booze it up!" and comes to a dead stop on 421, at 4 o'clock. My luck being what it is, there was another jack ass (old man) that had been riding my ass the whole way into town.

2 Jack asses + dead stop + damp roads = rear end collision.

Ugh. Let me say, that I had NEVER been in any kind of wreck before. Ever. So this scared the shit out of me. It was like a stop motion film. I saw the brake lights in front of me. Me slamming on my brakes. My car being hit. Me slamming on my brakes again to try to not hit the truck in front of me.

God. I know the symptoms of shock. Boy, I had it. I never want it again either. My car, thankfully, wasn't really damaged. There's a spot on the fender where the paint was scrapped off, and one side of the fender had popped out a bit from the impact, but other wise Molly is okay. The guy that had slammed into me didn't have any damage to his car either, thank God. I didn't get info, or insurance or anything. Cops weren't called.

Maybe I should have gotten information, but really, I don't like dealing with that kind of stuff. People have enough to worry about without adding the thought of paying for superficial damages. My car still works, his car still works and no one had injuries. I would hate to go through the hassle of filing claims and sending my car off to be fixed, when really, not much was damaged. In due time, now that I have my job, I'm sure I can pay out of my own pocket to have it fixed.

But yeah, with me, there's always some price to pay for the good news I guess. Two sides of a coin and all that. But no injuries, no real damages, all is good. Plus I got a job that I had been needing for months now. =)

It all works out in the end.

Emotion #2

I want to make a list of the things that I look for in a potential husband. The ideal list of what would make a relationship work in my eyes. This list would hold ideas and aspects that I’ve zeroed in on in that past, what I’ve liked in others or what they lacked that I discovered that I needed them to have. I want to make this list more than anything.

The problem though, is that I’ve started to see this list as unfair to those that might have any interest in me at all. It’s not their fault that they don’t measure up to the standards that I’ve set up. And I’ll admit, the standers I have mentally listed are rather high. When I haven’t made the list, having high standard seems fine. But as soon as they are listed before me, I fear that I’ll appear to be some kind of snob. Someone that just isn’t happy to settle.

As a child growing up, you’re told that you should strive for your best. That settling isn’t good, nor should it ever be an option. Age and experience though, has taught us that sometimes you have to settle, that the best just isn’t achievable. It’s awful to admit this to yourself, after having it hardwired into your mind. It feels like failure, and to some extent it is. You’ve failed to reach the ultimate goal, so you’re just going to settle for something less.

You have to know your limitations though. It would be unrealistic for me to decide and plan to marry only someone of royal bloodline. It just isn’t going to happen. I mean, royal bloodlines just aren’t that easy to come by these days. Even when they were, it wouldn’t have been realistic for someone of my position to demand only a prince.

So, maybe if I admit my limitations and know what is unrealistic for me to achieve, making a list might work. If I knew what I could realistically seek for in a partner, there would be no reason for me to settle. No risk of failure.

Now, I realize that this list will change. I’m only human and my wants and desires fluctuate. This realization is almost panic worthy. What if, I draw up a list, find someone that fits what I’ve outlined perfectly and then, my desires change. I don’t feel as if it would be fair for me to ask this person to change with my desires. I don’t want to change someone, I want to desire them for who they are.

This list I have in my head isn’t something that I would demand a partner to fit perfectly. That really would be asking too much. But it’s a set of ideals that I’ve cultivated so far. Once again though, I truly have to wonder if I’m being fair for setting those ideal up. I can’t guarantee that I’ll even like someone that fits those ideals in the long run. Having these ideal aspects wouldn’t guarantee that I’d want them for a partner.

The question then stand, is this list even fair to me? Would I be excluding individuals that could potentially be compatible with me? In the end of all of this, I have to worry about me. It does me no good to set up this ideal list and then worry about how it will affect others. Truthfully, I don’t know how a list like this would affect me. It could be an amazing thing. Or it might just be the worst idea I’ve ever had. But it’s hard to resist the temptation of saying, “This is what the perfect man would be like.”

Emotion

Warning: This is almost purely neurotic. This is me saying stuff that has bothered me recently. Stuff that I've felt pressing into me and that I have need to push back a little bit, if only in order to breathe and examine it.

So, I recognize this feeling. This panic swelling inside me like a tumor, ready to strike, to become cancer, to kill me slowly and painfully. I've been here before and it wasn't pretty then. How have I gotten back here? How have I found myself in this exact same position, when I knew all the warning signs? When I had carefully mapped out the road that led to the last destructive adventure?

Let us back up several years. Say... about when I was 11 or 12. I remember standing in front of my bedroom mirror and wishing, practically begging to the universe, to be beautiful. See, at this point in time I was already one to chase boys. I thought they were pretty neat and all that jazz. Boys though, at this time, wanted nothing to do with me. They would much rather be around my best friend Nellie.

As a young and impressionable young girl, I believed that the only difference between me and her at the time was that she was prettier than me. That when I stood next to her, I looked awkward and ugly. So several nights found me whispering over and over again a plea to become beautiful. Now, looking back, I see that was a foolish wish.

Now, I shy away from make-up, spending too much time on my hair, and only about 5 minutes in total to think about what I'm going to wear. Not that I'm trying to look like a slob, because I try to always be presentable. But I'm trying to be more average than the "beauty" that I had thought I wanted to be at a younger age. The attention that I once thought I wanted, I realize now, is not what I truly need. At that foolish age though, I believed that all attention was that same and that it was something that I had to have.

I can't say that I've surpassed wanting so much attention, but that I now realize there are several different types of attention that can be given and received. The attention given to my body is what I always thought I wanted. I can't say that I don't enjoy it, but that these days I would like attention paid to all of me. Mind, body and soul.

That's where this stems from, I guess. I feel like the only attention that I've been getting lately is that paid to my body. When it's happening, I don't mind. Hell, I encourage it. And there are day's that that kind of attention is all I want. That anything else would be too much, too heavy for me to handle. But I know that in the long run, what I want and need is attention paid to my mind, but most importantly, to my soul.

My body is fully aware that it's attractive. It's gotten the picture, fully developed and blown up in large scale. My mind is pretty confident in itself as well. So really, my soul, the poor fragile thing, is the only one that is being neglected.

Honestly, I don't know how to tell anyone how to go about paying attention to another's soul. I mean, it's not the body, physically capable of receiving attention. Nor is it like the mind, that can be exercised and complemented. No, the soul is just a bit more complicated than that. It's possible though, just not something easily taught.

I'm sorry universe, that I'm asking you for this, something that so few have mastered, but it's what I feel like I need. Something that I've been missing out on. I need someone that is spiritual in nature. Not necessarily of the "Christian" religion, because my spiritual self and those of that religion don't tend to mix. But someone of a spiritual nature of some sort. I can't ask those already in my life to take up this cause. Spirituality has to be a desired thing. I'm starting to fear though, that spirituality isn't desired enough for me to find what I need.

In Moments Of My Greatest Longing

In moments of my greatest longing

My heart reaches out through the separating space

I close my eyes against the world before me

Calming my breath

I slow this speeding body down

In my mind’s eye, I imagine

That you are just before me, carrying out your day

I see you smile and look up

As if you know, that I’m spying on you

Just like the days

When stolen glances were all we had

May 28, 2010

If I Had Saved Every Tear

If I had saved every tear

There could be a river beside my bed

I pour out of my heart

From the wound that you opened up

Repeatedly, repeatedly

I remember mornings in your arms

And tender whispered words

Of us being connected

By strings and cables

Heart to heart

I hope that it’s still true

I hope you feel the same destruction

Every time my world

Goes through an apocalypse

May 23, 2010

Before I Turn 21

Alright, I think that Kayla was the only person to ever see this list when I had my old blog, so I decided to move it here. As you can see, progress is slow. Some things are obviously out of reach, while others require the cooperation and assistance of other people, but it’s getting there. I’m glad to have been able to cross as much off as I have. Honestly, after I got my Monroe piercing, I didn’t know if I was going to cross anything else off for a really long time.

Before I turn 21:

· Have sex with both genders

· Smoke pot

· Learn to shoot a gun

· Get my license for conceal and carry

· Live in an apartment

· Skinny dip

· No “adult” road trip

· Purchase something from an “adult” store

· Do a shot

· Make a sex tape

· Get a tattoo

· Get a piercing somewhere other than my ears

· Sing onstage (not in a play)

· Finish the first draft of a book

· Play the lottery

· Learn to drive a stick-shift

· See a band I love in concert

· 24 hour movie fest

· One night stand

· Cliff dive

· Own really expensive shoes

· Spend a week in Florida

· Use a tanning bed

· Use an entire roll of duck tape in one day

· Get a Brazilian wax

· Go to the Burning Man festival

· Vacation in Hawaii

· Have a complete spa day

· Go to a Rocky Horror show

· Sell my artwork to strangers

· Have “public” sex

· Visit Mexico

· Go to Mardi Gras

· One whole day of nothing but making love

· Nude beach

· Have a threesome.

Other news includes: Summer has finally started. I love all the down time that I’m having right now. It would be nice to have a job, though. I’m sure that I’ll become insanely bored soon and be running up the walls. A job would also mean monetary funds, which would be nice. Cause, I’m sure every college student has a love of spending money. I’m going to keep a look out for that job. When I see it, I’ll harpoon it and mount it on a wall like the trophy I’ll pump it out to be.