I'm A Bad Girl

I'm such a bad, bad kid. Just a few minutes ago, less than an hour ago, I ate a late lunch. I waltzed up to the counter and ordered my veggie burger and mozzarella sticks (cause I was really hungry). I hadn't ate since a bagel this morning. I had ate a cracker snack, and a cookie snack, but I those snacks didn't really fill me up. I was ready to chow down.

When Adam and I sat down, I arranged myself at the our table like always. I have to eat the main part of my meal first. This time, I had to get my burger first. While Adam kept talking, I started to chew.

Something was off.

I was not eating a veggie burger, my friends. In fact I was eating a real life cow.

THE HORROR!!!!

Not missing a beat, I took another bite. Not once telling Adam what was going on. This was going to be my little secret. I had purchased the fucking thing, I was going eat it dammit.

I'm such a bad, naughty girl.

You don't understand. It's been 5 years since I've had meat. It's been even longer since I've had red meat. I was... thrilled. I was disgusted and repulsed at myself. I had a secret. I adore secrets.

The sad thing about all of this, is that it tasted awful. I ate all of it of course, cause you don't waste food. But eating it... it tasted burnt. It tasted like dead flesh. Why did I ever want to eat this stuff again? I had been thinking about trying a chicken something for a while now, but after that burger, I don't think I will...

I know people that try to be vegetarians. They do really well for a while and then one day they cave and eat meat. They think "OH NO! I've messed up!" and give the whole thing up. They stop trying because they messed up that one time. Messing up doesn't mean that you have to throw the whole thing out of the window, it just means that you messed up that day.

Sadly, I'm sure that this burger will upset my stomach. I can already feel my tummy getting all... rumblely.

No more meat for me, thanks.

Ghost from the Past

I saw Brandon today. There are a few of you who know exactly who I'm talking about. One in particular who probably hopes that I threw a right hook and knocked out 3 teeth and left 4 more dangling. Honestly though, I've yet to hate him. There was a week in the beginning where I was frustrated, but that was it. I've never been one to become angry. It's a waste of my time.

So I saw him.

After all this time, of wondering about how he's doing. After all this time, of hoping that things work out with him and his wife (cause God knows that I don't have the strength to be in his life full time again). All this time of small reminders popping up out of no where of him, leaving me to silently tuck them back into the folds and move on. All this time... and he was right there at the bonsai booth.

When Caleb decided to go fishing this weekend, I had thought that I wouldn't have anyone to go to the Spoon Bread Festival with me. Luckily, I still have my best guy friend Adam to drag along to places. The whole time, Adam had talked about how he wanted to look at the bonsai trees if they had them this year. He was excited about them. Before we left he said that I liked tiny/miniature things because they made him feel like a giant. I thought it was pretty funny.

So we make a circle around all the booths and come upon the bonsais. Small, twisty trees that are, admittedly, pretty neat. Standing next to them, was of course Brandon. I heard his voice before I actually saw him. Heard his laugh. If you've ever met Brandon, you know that his laugh is probably the best thing ever. Once you hear it, your day is 100x better. It's not an option, it's a universal rule.

There was hugging, a small bit of catching up. He pointed out his mom and his sister to me. We smiled. There was a small bit of "I went and saw Eat Pray Love" "Me too!" And then, we went our separate ways.

Of course there was this gigantic pit of "I WAS ONCE IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!" inside of me. I remember once that there was this connection between us. Today, seeing him, it wasn't there. I'm kind of glad that it wasn't. If it had been, it would have made the whole thing harder. Walking away would have been killer. To know that in my heart, there was still this connection there with him, separating wouldn't have been on my top priorities. So, yeah, I didn't think I would be glad (back in the day of crying about it nightly) but now I am. Now it works.

I'm glad that I got to see him. It's always disheartening to have someone leave your life that once knew you so well. I most always try to stay friends with my ex's, whenever possible. I don't know if there will ever be a friendship with Brandon. Mainly because of the circumstances that surrounded everything. From us being together, to us not being together. It's unlikely that it'll happen, and at this point, I'm okay with that.

Emotional Cycle - Motherhood

I feel like my body goes through this cycle, and it does so without my permission. No, not a monthly cycle that most all women go through, but an emotional one. A cycle where my goals and ambitions change, where what I want in life is possibly on a different train car than the one I'm in at the moment.

I've found myself going from wanting to open a bakery downtown, wanting to get married, to just a few seconds ago looking at baby blogs and longing for a child of my own. This is a predicable cycle for me. I often daydream about a career that I could possibly start and live off of in a well off fashion. This is always followed by the desire to stare at David's Bridal's website and pick out two or three dresses that I would love to get married in. At this point, after wanting to fall in love and get married for so long, I could have the bare basics of a wedding planned in under a week.

The next part of the cycle is the heart breaking one. The one where I crave motherhood with such an intensity that the thought of staying on my carefully plotted schedule of waiting to get married, have a career, a job, and a life all to myself feels like a waste of time. What am I doing sitting here, writing a blog and avoiding studying? Shouldn't I be off preparing to become a mother?

I know this is crazy sounding. In a week or so, I'll be glad that I'm not pregnant and able to live my life without worrying about if what I'm eating is healthy for the child. I'll be glad that I can still go out with my friends, smoke hookah at Prince's, drink at Silas's and generally still be able to be a wild and crazy teen. I know all of this, yet, I'm still reading through Dear Baby and Kayla's blog with this longing and yearning to be a mother.

Back in the spring, I was in the same spot. My cousin Melissa had given birth to a beautiful baby boy, and as I stood in the hospital looking at this amazing child, my heart told me that I was meant to be a mother. It's not the first time that my heart has told me such, but I believe that it was the first time I actually listened. I really do believe that I'm meant to be a mother.

There are some many of my close friends that scoff at the thought of having children. They see kids as snot nosed brats that do nothing but scream and get in the way of stuff. When I try to express this want, this need to be a mother, they don't understand. I have literally had to sit through hours of being told that I should never have kids, because they would just ruin my life. You know, great, kids aren't for them. But for me, everything is really secondary to finding a wonderful partner in life and to experience being a mother.

I look forward to buying onesies, blankets, bassinets, dippers, cute little hats that will never fit or stay on but sit around the room in hopes that someday they will, shoes that will never really be worn. All of this along with the feeling of a child inside of me, holding a baby for the first time, waking up at all hours of the night just to check on the child. I want it. I look forward to it.

And in a week or so, I'll be glad that I'm not pregnant.

It's all part of my emotional cycle.

Wedding

From a photo shoot I did a few weekends ago. It was a very lovely wedding and the Bride and Groom we just wonderful.