Good New And Bad News Travel Together

After months of searching for a job, I finally have one. Despite my mother telling me that jobs don't just randomly fall into your lap, this one basically did just that. Yesterday I had gone to the Berea Pinnacles with Alicia. It was a wonderful trip, getting to the top and just relaxing is always worth the 1.1 mile hike up a mountain.

Anyway, back to the lap falling job. I get home relatively late, around 11. I was exhausted, like you wouldn't believe. I come to my computer and see that I have messages from Chrissy asking if I still needed a job. Of course I needed a job. Hiking had almost become more of a hobby, which while good for my body, would eventually drive me insane. Apparently a guy at Opal's in Richmond had up and quit, leaving them in desperate need of a waiter/waitress.

In walks me at 8:30 the next morning asking for an application. They were falling over themselves to give me the job. The owner (Opal, go figure that she's an actual person) said that I should come back at 4 for an interview. Come 4 o'clock I was there, ready for this interview. Opal, though, was no where to be found. But! She had left instructions that I was to start on Monday at 2. Huh. You know... I didn't even fill out an application. That job really did just fall into my lap.

Now, the for-mentioned bad news. On my way to this "interview" I was just driving along, being the good little driver that I am. When the jack ass in front of me decides, "Hey! I think I'm going to turn into this liquor store and booze it up!" and comes to a dead stop on 421, at 4 o'clock. My luck being what it is, there was another jack ass (old man) that had been riding my ass the whole way into town.

2 Jack asses + dead stop + damp roads = rear end collision.

Ugh. Let me say, that I had NEVER been in any kind of wreck before. Ever. So this scared the shit out of me. It was like a stop motion film. I saw the brake lights in front of me. Me slamming on my brakes. My car being hit. Me slamming on my brakes again to try to not hit the truck in front of me.

God. I know the symptoms of shock. Boy, I had it. I never want it again either. My car, thankfully, wasn't really damaged. There's a spot on the fender where the paint was scrapped off, and one side of the fender had popped out a bit from the impact, but other wise Molly is okay. The guy that had slammed into me didn't have any damage to his car either, thank God. I didn't get info, or insurance or anything. Cops weren't called.

Maybe I should have gotten information, but really, I don't like dealing with that kind of stuff. People have enough to worry about without adding the thought of paying for superficial damages. My car still works, his car still works and no one had injuries. I would hate to go through the hassle of filing claims and sending my car off to be fixed, when really, not much was damaged. In due time, now that I have my job, I'm sure I can pay out of my own pocket to have it fixed.

But yeah, with me, there's always some price to pay for the good news I guess. Two sides of a coin and all that. But no injuries, no real damages, all is good. Plus I got a job that I had been needing for months now. =)

It all works out in the end.

Emotion #2

I want to make a list of the things that I look for in a potential husband. The ideal list of what would make a relationship work in my eyes. This list would hold ideas and aspects that I’ve zeroed in on in that past, what I’ve liked in others or what they lacked that I discovered that I needed them to have. I want to make this list more than anything.

The problem though, is that I’ve started to see this list as unfair to those that might have any interest in me at all. It’s not their fault that they don’t measure up to the standards that I’ve set up. And I’ll admit, the standers I have mentally listed are rather high. When I haven’t made the list, having high standard seems fine. But as soon as they are listed before me, I fear that I’ll appear to be some kind of snob. Someone that just isn’t happy to settle.

As a child growing up, you’re told that you should strive for your best. That settling isn’t good, nor should it ever be an option. Age and experience though, has taught us that sometimes you have to settle, that the best just isn’t achievable. It’s awful to admit this to yourself, after having it hardwired into your mind. It feels like failure, and to some extent it is. You’ve failed to reach the ultimate goal, so you’re just going to settle for something less.

You have to know your limitations though. It would be unrealistic for me to decide and plan to marry only someone of royal bloodline. It just isn’t going to happen. I mean, royal bloodlines just aren’t that easy to come by these days. Even when they were, it wouldn’t have been realistic for someone of my position to demand only a prince.

So, maybe if I admit my limitations and know what is unrealistic for me to achieve, making a list might work. If I knew what I could realistically seek for in a partner, there would be no reason for me to settle. No risk of failure.

Now, I realize that this list will change. I’m only human and my wants and desires fluctuate. This realization is almost panic worthy. What if, I draw up a list, find someone that fits what I’ve outlined perfectly and then, my desires change. I don’t feel as if it would be fair for me to ask this person to change with my desires. I don’t want to change someone, I want to desire them for who they are.

This list I have in my head isn’t something that I would demand a partner to fit perfectly. That really would be asking too much. But it’s a set of ideals that I’ve cultivated so far. Once again though, I truly have to wonder if I’m being fair for setting those ideal up. I can’t guarantee that I’ll even like someone that fits those ideals in the long run. Having these ideal aspects wouldn’t guarantee that I’d want them for a partner.

The question then stand, is this list even fair to me? Would I be excluding individuals that could potentially be compatible with me? In the end of all of this, I have to worry about me. It does me no good to set up this ideal list and then worry about how it will affect others. Truthfully, I don’t know how a list like this would affect me. It could be an amazing thing. Or it might just be the worst idea I’ve ever had. But it’s hard to resist the temptation of saying, “This is what the perfect man would be like.”

Emotion

Warning: This is almost purely neurotic. This is me saying stuff that has bothered me recently. Stuff that I've felt pressing into me and that I have need to push back a little bit, if only in order to breathe and examine it.

So, I recognize this feeling. This panic swelling inside me like a tumor, ready to strike, to become cancer, to kill me slowly and painfully. I've been here before and it wasn't pretty then. How have I gotten back here? How have I found myself in this exact same position, when I knew all the warning signs? When I had carefully mapped out the road that led to the last destructive adventure?

Let us back up several years. Say... about when I was 11 or 12. I remember standing in front of my bedroom mirror and wishing, practically begging to the universe, to be beautiful. See, at this point in time I was already one to chase boys. I thought they were pretty neat and all that jazz. Boys though, at this time, wanted nothing to do with me. They would much rather be around my best friend Nellie.

As a young and impressionable young girl, I believed that the only difference between me and her at the time was that she was prettier than me. That when I stood next to her, I looked awkward and ugly. So several nights found me whispering over and over again a plea to become beautiful. Now, looking back, I see that was a foolish wish.

Now, I shy away from make-up, spending too much time on my hair, and only about 5 minutes in total to think about what I'm going to wear. Not that I'm trying to look like a slob, because I try to always be presentable. But I'm trying to be more average than the "beauty" that I had thought I wanted to be at a younger age. The attention that I once thought I wanted, I realize now, is not what I truly need. At that foolish age though, I believed that all attention was that same and that it was something that I had to have.

I can't say that I've surpassed wanting so much attention, but that I now realize there are several different types of attention that can be given and received. The attention given to my body is what I always thought I wanted. I can't say that I don't enjoy it, but that these days I would like attention paid to all of me. Mind, body and soul.

That's where this stems from, I guess. I feel like the only attention that I've been getting lately is that paid to my body. When it's happening, I don't mind. Hell, I encourage it. And there are day's that that kind of attention is all I want. That anything else would be too much, too heavy for me to handle. But I know that in the long run, what I want and need is attention paid to my mind, but most importantly, to my soul.

My body is fully aware that it's attractive. It's gotten the picture, fully developed and blown up in large scale. My mind is pretty confident in itself as well. So really, my soul, the poor fragile thing, is the only one that is being neglected.

Honestly, I don't know how to tell anyone how to go about paying attention to another's soul. I mean, it's not the body, physically capable of receiving attention. Nor is it like the mind, that can be exercised and complemented. No, the soul is just a bit more complicated than that. It's possible though, just not something easily taught.

I'm sorry universe, that I'm asking you for this, something that so few have mastered, but it's what I feel like I need. Something that I've been missing out on. I need someone that is spiritual in nature. Not necessarily of the "Christian" religion, because my spiritual self and those of that religion don't tend to mix. But someone of a spiritual nature of some sort. I can't ask those already in my life to take up this cause. Spirituality has to be a desired thing. I'm starting to fear though, that spirituality isn't desired enough for me to find what I need.